Dear Doctor Sexalewitz:
I am 20 and still a virgin. It might not seem like an odd thing to you, but believe me when I say, to me it feels like I’m an old maiden. It seems like people around me have been having sex for so long, it’s a real miracle I haven’t get a laid myself. I consider myself to be a woman of an average beauty and have no problems getting dates…it’s just that when things get to that point, I always walk away somehow or simply don’t let it get that far….needless to say my relationships haven’t been fruitful because of this, I’m guessing. Anyhow, I feel I’m ready now… and since I’ll most certainly suck at it because of my inexperience I want it to be a one-night stand thing. So, how do I go about getting myself one of those?
Dear Reader:
Kuddos on not having fallen prey to sexual peer pressure in the past…it takes a big person to achieve that in this day and age. You don’t really go into your reasons for having remained a virgin but I’m guessing they must be important to you if you’ve held on for this long… may I comment here, on the fact that I don’t feel 20 is an odd age to still be a virgin .
Anyhow, whatever made you wait this long I’m sure is still important and therefore you shouldn’t just dismiss it altogether simply because you feel you are ready today. In other words, I don’t think a stranger should be the one to pop your cherry. Fortunately, you are a woman and as such, it’s more acceptable for you to let the man take the lead, especially if you let him know what your situation is, and not seem like you suck at it.
I say wait ‘til you meet a guy you like…. He doesn’t have to be relationship material necessarily, but at least let it be someone you share something with, other than an itch down there!! If you’re set on it being a stranger just go to a club and sit there…I assure you somebody will approach you with sex in mind. But I rather suggest you try out online dating or speed dating or the real dating to get your first. Hookup for sex is easy. But hookup for a relationship with sex is different. Remember protection and have fun!
Dear Doctor:
I’m in a relationship and although we have our ups and downs as far as our relationship, in general, sex has always been good between us. It’s never really been an issue; we both feel comfortable and have orgasms during our encounters. Nevertheless, the last 3 times I’ve had sex I have just felt like sensitivity down there has been diminished and I don’t really feel as much and therefore can’t have orgasms. The more I try to have one, the less I can, the more stressed out I get, and the less I enjoy sex. What the hell is wrong with me? Please give me sex and relationship advice.
Dear Reader:
Many women experience difficulties to have orgasms, in fact, you are one of a lucky few who have them on a regular basis. If you’ve never had issues before and you do now, something is definitely up. The cause can be very simple or it might be a more elaborate occurrence which requires you find professional help. Let’s try and look at some common situations which might be the cause of the problem.
As a general rule, women have a much clearer tie to their emotions than men do. This is why a guy could be pissed and still have sex with the object of his anger…for women, on the other hand, this is quite difficult. If they don’t feel in a comfort zone, emotionally speaking, chances are their sex life will suffer for it. They might engage in the act, but their mind will be elsewhere, thus interfering with the pleasure of the experience. Might this be your case? That there’s some unsettled business between you and your guy?
Maybe what’s on your mind has nothing to do with your partners in sex, but rather with other stressful aspects of your life such as family, work, health, etc. Stress is one of the main causes of disfunctional sexual behavior in adults.
If none of these are the case, then maybe it’s a good idea to get a checkup from your OBGyn to know that everything down there is working properly and in perfect health. Also be aware of any medications you might be taking, such as antidepressants which diminish sexual response.
Whatever the cause, it’s best to take it in stride and not get too worked up about it, ’cause that will only contribute to the problem. Surely, you’ll resolve it soon.
One of our lovely readers asks:
Doctor, I am recently single, after 10 years of marriage, and 3 years of courtship before that. I have been lucky enough to immediately found love in one of my coworkers. I’d thought my friends would be happy for me, but I’ve gotten more “bewares” than I care for. I think they’re just jealous that I’ve found new love so quickly. What do you think? Please give me new relationship advice.
Dear reader:
Thirteen years is a long time to be in a relationship. Whatever the circumstances of your divorce, from the moment your husband set foot out of your home, it should have been important for you to close that chapter in your life thoroughly…and that my dear, takes time. There is no recipe, no specific amount of days you need to wait, but it seems to me like you have rushed into that new relationship; and that’s probably why your friends are so apprehensive about this.
Often, an unhappy marriage leaves you feeling uncared for. When you suddenly find the attention you’ve been longing for, for so long, it’s inevitable to feel totally dazzled by it. This feeling of novelty can very easily be mistaken for love…you wouldn’t be the first or last person in the world to make this mistake.
Only time will tell if your feelings are true or if you’re just on the rebound. For now, all I can advise is to try and take things slowly and not make any important decisions concerning your new lover (example: moving in together, marriage, etc). Just try to enjoy the new found attention to heal your past wounds.
As for your friends, don’t be too harsh on them. It seems like they only have your best interest in mind…and true friends will speak their mind if they think you’re messing up. Those who stand by and watch you fail miserably, don’t deserve to be called friends.
Dear Doctor Sexalewitz:
I am a young, single woman whose life is really suffering from shyness. Social situations seem so difficult for me and nobody really seems to understand. I come from a family where we’re all pretty much the same in that sense and it was never a problem. but now that I’m on my own and in another city, some friends have even suggested that I look for help and I feel offended!! Is there something wrong with me?
Dear Reader:
You don’t give much information regarding specific situations so I can have a better understanding of where you stand, but read on for a brief description of when shyness becomes something else… hope it helps!
Social anxiety disorder is a disruptive condition in which sufferers are overly concerned with public scrutiny. Numbers show that approximately 5.3 million Americans suffer from it in any given year. Sufferers of this disorder experience extreme worry about embarrassing themselves in front of others. Simply being around others can make them uncomfortable. If their fears become so impairing that they can’t talk on the phone, sign a check in front of a salesclear, use a public restroom, or they find dating or going to parties difficult and mostly avoid these situations, they have developed social phobia. Social anxiety disorder frequently runs in families and occurs more often in women than men. It also tends to being in childhood or early adolescence and commonly afflicts primarly fearful or shy individuals – although a person can be shy without being clinically socially anxious.
Shyness, on the other hand, is considered a normal and prevalent personality trait, a tendency towards fearfulness that’s influenced by genetics. It occurs naturally.
Studies show that the shy and those with social anxiety disorders can experience similar physical responses in social situations, but the degree of discomfort determines the diagnosis. If you have doubts about where you fit, consult a professional.
If you want a relationship and is really shy, try online dating web site,. You’ve got to know people without even seeing them at first. And when you are already going good with them, then this is the time to meet up and you will not be shy because you already know something about them.
Dear Doctor Sexalewitz:
I’ve been in a relationship for some years now and although it hasn’t always been easy, sex has never really been an issue between us. Maybe we don’t get as much of it as we believe we should, but when we hook up for sex, it’s good. I easily have orgasms and the only moments of my life where I have experienced difficulty to orgasm are when I’ve been taking antidepressants. Lately I find that my sensation down there has been greatly reduced and I’m having a very hard time having an orgasm or altogether just telling my partner he should come because I can’t. He doesn’t seem to have noticed a difference but I’m starting to get concerned. What should I do?
Dear Reader:
What you are experiencing is referred to as decreased sexual response and it includes symptoms such as: reduced or complete lack of desire for sex, reduced or total absence of sensation in the genitals, permanent or incidental orgasm disorders and vaginal dryness, which in turn results in discomfort during sex. From your information it seems to me like you’ve experienced such symptoms in the past while taking antidepressants but you are not taking them at the moment. Let me tell you that stress and depression on their own, without the meds, can cause similar problems as well. Could it be that you are relapsing? You might want to speak to your health provider about your concern.
The good news is that if you’ve consistently had the ability to orgasm in the past, then it’s just a matter of correcting what ails you at the moment to get you back on track since there is no physical disfunction in that sense. Do look for help so you can quickly go back to enjoying sex with partner.
